“If parents are not going to love their LGBTQ+ children unconditionally, then they should not expect their children to love them unconditionally.”
You could hear a pin drop!
This past weekend, I co-hosted an LGBTQ+ Symposium at the Atlanta LGBTQ+ Institute of Civil Rights. Its theme was Investing in Our Youth’s Future. It was the brainchild of the LGBTQ+ director of programming, my friend Tim’m West, who allowed me to piggy-back my idea of a parent track onto his event.
Hi there, my name is Dr. Lulu, and I am very delighted to make your acquaintance. I am a pediatrician and life coach focusing on gender and sexuality. I help my clients become the best out-queer person, parent ally or LGBTQ+ ally they can be. I am a proudly Q+ mom of three and my eldest child is a transgender young adult.
Welcome to my new column! I am still deciding what to call it. But, for now, let’s just roll with ABCs of Parenting Your LGBTQ+ Child, shall we? I look forward to getting to know you, grow with you and learn from each of you as we ride along. Don’t hesitate to reach out to me with any questions whatsoever @ coach@dr-lulu.com.
Back to the event this past weekend, and the quote above.
For a while now, I have been thinking about how to best serve parents of LGBTQ+ children. One of my ideas is to work closely with healthcare providers like me, educating them on how to be true allies for their patients.
Another idea is to help families of LGBTQ+ children navigate the journey of affirmation of their kiddos as young as the age of 2-3 years. More of that as we get to know each other. Lastly, I help non-healthcare organizations support parents and families of LGBTQ+ children at the workplace.
So, this past weekend at our Symposium, I got a chance to hang out with parents of queer kids and other adult allies for 3 days. We had a series of events in the parent track, the first was a religious panel that discussed navigating religion, religious trauma and affirmation of gender diverse and LGBTQ+ children.
The second panel discussed legislation and parenting LGBTQ+ children in the face of all the anti-LGBTQ+ laws being passed. The third panel was focused on how parents can help their children handle homophobia/transphobia/biphobia, etc. while the last panel of the day was one titled Demystifying Gender-Affirmation and Gender-Affirming Care.
During that panel, our conversations somehow found their way to how best to respond to our children when they invite us in (I prefer not to use the common phrase, coming out), and consequences of parental non-affirmation on young queer children.
Naturally, the topic of unconditional love from parents towards their children came up and a passionate discussion ensued. While the general consensus was that parents must love their children unconditionally, the fact that today, some queer children end up with mental health issues, on the streets or worse, unlived, as a result of their sexuality or gender identity, naturally reared its ugly head.
As was expected, the youth in the audience didn’t like the taste of that. The fact that adult parents are responsible for kicking their kids out for being queer, just didn’t sit well with them. Not that the adults in the room liked it either, but, we are the perpetrators, you see. We are the ones disowning and kicking our kids out for sharing their true selves with us, so, their reactions were at the very least, understandable.
As the discussion drew to a close, one teen raised their hand, bravely took the mic and said the words. “If parents are not going to love their LGBTQ+ children unconditionally, then they should not expect their children to love them unconditionally.”
“From the mouths of babes”, they say.
You could literally have heard a pin drop in the moments that immediately followed!
I felt so seen and so small and so humbled all at once. Our discussions all day had brought us to that moment of truth. A child had spilled the entire kettle of tea! We cannot in honesty expect unconditional love from our children if and when we are unwilling to shower them with the same, periodt!.
I, for one, was immediately and profoundly affected by their words. Because for a long time, I had been un-affirming to my child. I felt like their words were sent directly to me. I had been that parent. The one who had put all sorts of conditions on my love of my child.
Truth be told, parents cannot tell their children that we love them, but…
That we love them “as long as they don’t come home as their full selves” (me).
That we love them “as long as they don’t paint their nails” (me).
That we love them “as long as they don’t practice that lifestyle” (me).
It was humbling to be in the room and get called out by our children.
Afterall, who in their right minds would choose to be gay, or transgender or anything in the LGBTQ+ community today? No one, if you ask me.
Yet, every day I get a parent in my inbox telling me they think their children are “choosing” to be gay. Or parents like my beloved father who told me he thought it was a phase when I shared my sexuality with him as a 16 year old. Or parents that suspect that social media is the culprit and want their straight kids back!
The truth is, true love should never come with conditions, and parental love is the least likely to have any strings attached to it. Another truth is that parental lack of acceptance is a painful blow to our children. So painful that it can cause irreparable damage to our kids. Ask me how I know.
Our parental roles must thus be taken seriously as it is critical for our LGBTQ+ kiddos. Studies show that children in affirming homes struggle less with mental health problems and suicidal ideation.
And so, I implore you to rethink your concept of conditional love if you could. As parents, we are not only the most important persons in our kids lives, we are also the most influential people in our kids lives.
Ciao for now!
Dr. Lulu
