I Still Really Resent My Husband!
Previously, Modern Mom asked our etiquette expert, Melissa Leonard, to address the marital dilemma of our generation: A Stay At Home Mom feels her husband no longer respects her now that she’s left her corporate job to be at home, full time, with the kids. This week, we asked Modern Mom’s family therapy expert, Dr. Irene Goldenberg, to give her take on this situation. Can this marriage be saved? Here’s what she said:
Dear Dr. Irene,
Despite being a stay-at-home mom for close to four years now, I still consider myself new to this game. I am the one person who never thought in a million years she would be a SAHM. Here’s the problem: I’m having a bit of trouble swallowing my husband’s “playful” and “just joking” comments regarding eating bon bons all day and sleeping all day —you get the picture.
Here is a typical day in our house: He leaves for work between 5 and 6 am and does not return until at least 7pm. That for me means that everyday I take care of everything, both around the house and regarding the children. Even when he gets home I’m still cleaning up or taking care of the children in one way or another.
I realize he works long hours and I respect that. But I’m really not sure what he expects from me. Just this morning he commented about my not being out of bed before he left for work (I usually get up around 6:30 am). I asked him if he would feel better if I got up and saw him off in the morning, and he said yes. So I will try to do that.
But he makes these snarky comments, such as “Oh, big plans for the day?” – and I am finding this really nauseating. I am beginning to resent him. As a result, my desire to be around him and, yes, even intimately has really decreased substantially. I have told him I don’t appreciate his comments, but he just replies that he is only joking.
Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated!
Thanks so much,
SAHM
Dear SAHM:
You’ve hit on one of the most important new problems in contemporary marriage: How we divide up the work that needs to be done respectfully and appropriately, frequently without role models of our own parents and their peers. First of all, I’d like to ask the question: How did you arrive at the decision of being a SAHM? Was this something carefully discussed between you and your husband, or more likely, “it just happened”? This is an enormously important decision with many ramifications, and frequently does not get thoroughly discussed. The problems that arise from not working out these difficulties can be very serious.
I can tell by your schedule and your husband’s that each of you is working very hard to keep the family going. The “invisible work of women” is much harder to explain and understand. The important goal is for both of you not to feel demoralized about someone not “pulling their weight.” The other person’s job, on a bad day, looks much better than your own. It’s natural to resent what your husband sees as your flexibility of time and for you to envy his being able to be out in the world.
The fact that he is bringing in the paycheck sometimes weighs more heavily in importance. But when you think through it, taking care of the children certainly is paramount.
What I would suggest is that you take a time when you are feeling good towards one another and broach the subject honestly. “Let’s talk about how we distribute the work and what it is that you are feeling.”
Listen carefully and accept that he is feeling that way, even if you don’t agree before you present your case. If he feels that things are inequitable, it will come out in what you call “his snarky comments.” If you feel resentful, you pull away sexually. Maybe he needs information about what your situation is. If you approach it in a non-defensive manner as a serious decision that the two of you must make, you will have a responsive partner. Sometimes things are inequitable and need to be changed. That applies to both you and your husband. Who picks up the dry cleaning may be a function of who’s closest, for whom it is easiest, and who has the most to do – and that is not always immediately clear without discussion.
It is vital to a marriage that this be an ongoing process. Not every day, but on a regular basis. You need to check in on one another about how things are going in your individual worlds. This way resentment is less likely to occur and insight into the other person’s work life becomes clearer. It sounds like both of you are really trying hard and this is a solvable problem. Remember that things change, people’s feelings change about what they are doing and therefore new plans can be made.
Don’t give up.
Best wishes, Dr. Irene
Modern Mom’s new family therapy expert Dr. Irene Goldenberg is a family psychologist and the author of several textbooks on family therapy, including Family Therapy: An Overview, and Counseling Today’s Families. Dr. Irene is also a UCLA professor emeritus of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences. To check out Dr. Irene’s books, go to Amazon.com. Got a question for Dr. Irene? Email her at drirene@modernmom.com
To read last week’s advice on this topic from Melissa Leonard, our etiquette expert, turn the page…
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Dear Melissa,
Despite being a stay-at-home mom for close to four years now, I still consider myself new to this game. I am the one person who never thought in a million years she would be a SAHM. Here’s the problem: I’m having a bit of trouble swallowing my husband’s “playful” and “just joking” comments regarding eating bon bons all day and sleeping all day — you get the picture.
Here is a typical day in our house: He leaves for work between 5 and 6 am and does not return until at least 7pm. That for me means that everyday I take care of everything, both around the house and regarding the children. Even when he gets home I’m still cleaning up or taking care of the children in one way or another.
I realize he works long hours and I respect that.But I’m really not sure what he expects from me. Just this morning he commented about my not being out of bed before he left for work (I usually get up around 6:30 am). I asked him if he would feel better if I got up and saw him off in the morning, and he said yes. So I will try to do that.
But he makes these snarky comments, such as “Oh, big plans for the day?” – and I am finding this really nauseating. I am beginning to resent him. As a result, my desire to be around him and, yes, even intimately has really decreased substantially. I have told him I don’t appreciate his comments, but he just replies that he is only joking.
Any advice on how to handle this would be appreciated!
Thanks so much,
SAHM
Dear SAHM:
Welcome to the world of SAHMs! I am going to start this off with a quote that someone very wise (and male!) once told me a long time ago: “There is no more important and demanding job than raising your children.” In 99% of cases, there is no caregiver in the world who can care for a child like a mother or stay at home father can — and by caregiver, I mean grandparents, relatives, daycare and the like. And, when your children are older, they will thank you for the sacrifices and hard work you did in personally caring for them and being there day in and day out.
Sadly, SAHMs don’t get a paycheck or promotions for their hard work. But they do get bonuses: They get to see their child grow up. They witness the invaluable milestones. They watch their personalities grow and they really get to know who their children are. There may be no material dollars coming your way for your tireless efforts, but no amount of money would compensate for the hard work you do!
Now, as for your jokester of a hubby. . .well, it’s time to have a little chat with him. Complaining about how much you do, how little he does, how demanding your day is, will not convince him that your job as a SAHM is difficult, demanding and exhausting. It is fruitless and will just cause further friction in your marriage. SAHMs want verbal appreciation and understanding of the hard work they do and husbands want the same. You may both be on the same page, but perhaps you just don’t realize it. If you think about it logically, you would probably take being in the comfort of your cozy home with kids over going to work in an office for 10 hours each day. As far as the little joking comments from your husband, let him know that you don’t appreciate those jokes and that it hurts your feelings. Explain that he probably wouldn’t like it if you judged how hard he worked and based his performance on every deal he made or paycheck he does or doesn’t bring home.
Communicating verbally in a calm and rational way can go a long way. He may just be making jest of your situation and may also be a bit envious that you get to be home while he slaves away at the office…wouldn’t you if you left the house in the wee hours and came home after dark?
If he still doesn’t get it, show him! Plan a trip and go away for a few days. Leave him a list of things that MUST be done and I think you will find he will have developed a new appreciation for what you do upon your return. Sometimes showing someone what your day entails can be the best medicine.
Yes, your job as a SAHM never ends – it’s 24/7. But it also comes with perks. We can sit down and read a magazine or catch a few zzzs when the kids are playing or napping, we can be at the pool on those hot summer days, we can go shopping with our kids, we can go to the park, we can be there as they perform in their school’s Christmas show, we can hang out with friends…the list is endless. You must start looking for the good. And there are a lot of positives that come with being a SAHM. It is a luxury and one that many moms would love to have.
Best wishes, Melissa
Melissa Leonard has been wowing clients and readers over the past few years with her fun and dynamic approach to the so-called ‘stuffy’ world of etiquette.
After having two children (well behaved, of course!), Melissa took her innovative style of teaching business etiquette and tailored programs for children, parents and yes, even yachting enthusiasts. Her distinctive style and sense of humor has helped make manners cool again.
