How to Be a Relaxed Parent

"Honey, guess what I'm pregnant!"

No sooner have you finished jumping for joy over your blue EPT test than you start stressing about having a baby.

Questions cloud your mind:

Will I be up to the task? Will I be able to breast-feed? How will I know if the baby is sick? When will we be able to take the baby outside?

Your nightstand stacks up with all kinds of "how-to" manuals as you seek soothing answers to these questions and others. As you read, you discover that taking care of a baby is much more complicated than you'd ever anticipated.

You discover all the rules and regulations and contradictory advice the self-appointed experts dispense so liberally.

The more you read and hear, the more confused you become. For example, some people tell you to exercise, while others tell you to lay low. Some tell you to talk to the baby in your belly daily, and others advise a diet of classical music.

Some tell you to co-sleep, but others tell you "no way." Some advise you to place Junior on his back, while some tell you the side is better. By the time you actually have your bundle of joy, the joy you feel may be tainted by this confusing flood of information, which saps your confidence in your own care-giving abilities.

Even if you tend to be relaxed most of the time, you can't help but feel nervous about the whole experience.

Every expert has his own advice to dispense, and I'm no exception.

The difference is that my rules and regulations tell you how to be a relaxed parent.

Rule One: Trust yourself.

You have an innate ability to take care of a baby. As soon as you have the baby, it will feel completely natural, and you will know exactly what to do and when.

You'll be able to solve nine situations out of ten with simple, common-sense analysis.

Yes, you will make some mistakes, but that's okay. Babies are much more resilient that you think.

Rule Two: Don't listen too much to what people say.

I am always amazed by how in New York, even passers-by feel obliged to give new parents their two cents (which often don't make any sense).

The same goes for friends and family.

Take their guidance with a grain of salt, think for yourself, and follow your instincts. Your emotions are in turmoil and you're over-tired, so you're easy prey for well-intentioned "experts" whose advice, as good as it may be, often contradicts that of other experts. Ultimately, all that advice will impede your ability to think straight and make sound decisions.

Rule Three: Don't read too much before you have the baby -- or even after.

First of all, if you do, you may come to the conclusion that there are very few reasons to have a baby.

Second, reading too much makes you aware of all the little potential problems you may face. This will raise your anxiety further, which often becomes the very reason for your problems. Take nursing, for example.

It should be something you do without thinking about it. But the many books devoted to the subject give you all kinds of directions about this simple, instinctive act. They tell you to feed the baby at set intervals and for a mandatory length of time.

They tell you to put the baby in specific positions and to make sure she opens her mouth just so while sucking rhythmically. They tell you to count diapers, feeding minutes, and the amount of foremilk and hindmilk she consumes.

Finally, they describe in detail all the potential complications that you could ever experience and everything that could go wrong. All these rules and warnings will make that bottle of formula the nurse is trying to push on you very appealing.

January 24, 2009