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Stumble It!Ask Dr. P: How can I help my daughter with her weight struggles?
Dear Dr. P,
I have a 10-year old daughter who is overweight. Her weight has been pretty normal until this year. Throughout this year she has gained 20 pounds and I feel like I have tried everything to help her lose the weight, from positive encouragement, to only having “healthier” food in the house. She has come home from camp crying because she was made fun of by some girls in her group. She says that she does not like being fat and wants to change but heads straight for the food pantry when she gets home. When I make suggestions, she says that she knows what to do and then continues with the same patterns. I am at a loss and am starting to become frustrated and feel helpless. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
- Frustrated & Helpless
Dear Frustrated & Helpless,
I can understand how hard this must be for the both of you. Given that this is a more recent issue (over the past year), it suggests that her behavior and weight gain is symptomatic of something else that has been going on.
First, if you haven’t already, I suggest a check-up with her pediatrician to rule out any medical/physical explanation. Because girls are beginning puberty at a much earlier age than in the past, there could be hormonal changes that are wreaking havoc on her emotions, behavior, and weight.
Emotionally, turning ten can be anxiety provoking for a child, triggering fears about growing up, changing schools, changing body, etc. Children are struggling with the conflict of wanting to grow up, be powerful and in control to wanting to stay small and be taken care of -- as a result, they can feel less in control.
The frustration and helplessness that you feel are likely the communications from your daughter about how she really feels. This is something that you could share with her by saying, “I wonder if you are feeling really frustrated and helpless, on the one hand you want to fit in and be liked, but on the other are worried that you won’t and give up.” Here, you would be opening a door to communication not about food or what she should or should not be eating (which puts her in a more defensive position), but more about exploring and understanding the painful feelings that are driving her to use food from a more collaborative and compassionate position.
Therefore, the aim with your daughter would be to help decode her underlying feelings that are driving her overeating behavior (emotional eating). She's developed a self-soothing strategy in an attempt to cover over painful, difficult, and overwhelming feelings. Unfortunately, the strategy she is using only works momentarily and then after she feels like a failure. So, a vicious cycle is created. The more her real feelings can be made known and understood, she will likely be more able to tolerate them. As a result, she will feel less driven to cover over them and the vicious cycle can be broken.
With more energy freed up, there will be more of an opportunity to collaboratively develop more effective self-soothing strategies, ones that will leave her with real feelings of success and satisfaction. While it is important to come up with strategies together, some examples of more effective strategies could be: writing or drawing in a journal, going for walks together, calling up a friend, and/or setting up after-school activities.
About Dr. P
Dr. Laura Pescione is a licensed clinical psychologist with over 15 years of extensive training and experience working with children, adolescents, and adults. She is currently in private practice in Encino where she specializes in treating adults with issues related to post-partum adjustment and parenting, as well as depression, anxiety, and relationship issues. Have a question for Dr. P? Email her at
Visit her online at www.drpescione.com
Votes: 4
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I rarely comment, simply because I have very little time to...but this topic and your comments evoked a spark within me so I’m taking a few minutes today. I love, absolutely love what you said about enpowerment. I think all too often people look for excuses for things that are not going right at the time for them. I too have done it. In reality, every situation we are faced with can be changed...by us. Childhood and especially adolesence in this day and age is difficult enough without dealing with a weight issue as well. Fixing that problem now will be something that will be invaluable to her. It saddens me when I look around and see a majority of youth today overweight; not only for the pshychological effects it must have on them, but also for the overall health issue. I applaud the mother that reached out for help, she was enpowering herself to make changes. I pray that she will find a way to help her daughter help herself. Not only will she learn a valuable life lesson but one that will probably stick with her for the rest of her life. Great job mom.
I know how hard it is to be that age and be overwieght. I was like that and the kids were very cruel to me. You are a good mom by trying to help your daughter. If she doesn’t do any sports, go out and exercise with her. Make it fun. Do what she likes as long as it is exercising. Like swimming, roller skating, biking, etc… Keep buying healthy foods and be an example to your daughter by the way you eat. If there aren’t any tempations in the house, then it will be easier. There are so many treats that are made low cal and low fat that you could still have them in the house. But, teach her portion control. She is too young to be on a diet but just teaching her heathly habits will help her for the rest of her life.
Don’t be so quick to assume it’s your daughter’s fault. I can’t stress enough how much puberty can affect not only wight issues, but self-esteem and body image issues, as well.
I had the same problem when I was 10. I hit puberty early and freaked out when I reached 100 lbs. I had always been underweight before then, and my mother was very thin (we found out later that she was anorexic). I didn’t help that I was also an early bloomer. If my mother had been less critical of my weight, I may not have needed another 15 years before I could look in the mirror again without cringing.
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I gained quite a lot of weight my 6th/7th grade years. During that time, I hung out with an older girl who was taller and heavier. I was at her house frequently and ate what she ate! I remember feeling frustrated and sad about my weight. At one point I was complaining to my older sisters friend and she looked at me and said “if you don’t like it, then do something about it”.
For whatever reason, that statement was empowering. I went to the library and checked out all the books on diets and nutrition. I started reading those nightly instead of my S.E. Hinton books and started making changes. I lost weight and pretty much kept if off until my 2nd year in college.
I don’t know if this helps but I thought I would share the story. Maybe you can empower your daughter by allowing her to tell you what she wants to do and how she wants to do it. Maybe she will want to go grocery shopping with you so she can chose what healthy foods she really likes. Maybe she will want to buy or checkout some books. Maybe she will want you to go walking with her.
The bottom line for all of us, is that it is only us who controls what we eat and how we burn off calories. As a parent of a 4 and 2 year old, I try to help them realize moderation the difference between junk and healthy foods. I also do my best not to force them to eat when they say they are not hungry! Good luck!