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Mommy, Why Cant I Have Blond Hair and Blue Eyes?

How Come She Can’t Sit with Us?

During a visit to India, Tara had a playdate with a friend. Her friend, also four years old, came to the house with her “aya” (nanny). Her aya, probably 15 years old, was from a poor family and stayed with Tara’s friend day and night. She was her constant companion, supporting the mother and managing the little girl’s every need. By living with Tara’s friend, she was able to support herself and her family, and likely avoid scary situations that a poor young girl could face.

When we sat down for dinner, the aya stood by the door, watching us eat. If the little girl dropped some food on the ground, she would quickly scamper in, pick up the food, and tell the girl to eat nicely. Then, with a shy smile on her face, she would return to the doorway.

“Mama, why isn’t she eating with us?” Tara asked, after the aya had made her second trip to clean up some food from the floor.

How do I answer this? It took a moment to gather my thoughts.

In a culture where hierarchies often seem to form the fabric of the economy, culture and society, such a scenario is not out of the ordinary. It is a system that seems to work, supporting the needs and survival of different classes of society.

Before I could respond, Tara’s friend laughed. “She can’t sit with us!” Tara looked more confused and looked at me for an answer.

Her friend continued, “She has to eat in the kitchen when we are done.”

Tara asked again, “Mama, why does she have to eat separately?”

I had no idea what to say. It was a much larger question. A question about what I believed in, about how I wanted to teach my children to interact with the world.

Should I be teaching them that certain things are as they are and we must accept them? That it is important for us to respect different traditions?

Or should I be encouraging her to ask questions and try to change things? After all, if no one asked questions, wouldn’t people still have to sit at the back of the bus or be excluded from restaurants in their own land?

I looked at the faces of the two innocent girls looking at me. “Sweetie, I think her aya wants to help her eat first. Then, when she eats dinner, she can enjoy her food.” I knew I was telling a half-truth, but it felt like the right approach at that moment.

“No, Auntie,” Tara’'s precocious friend responded. “She has to help me first, and then when I am done, she can eat in the kitchen.” I had not been prepared for the push back.

“Actually, she has made the choice to take care of you,” I firmly replied. “And it is important that we always respect her choices, just like we respect each other’s choices.”

Tara'’s friend shrugged her shoulders and continued to eat her food. I could see Tara trying to process the interaction and what I had said.

And I was admittedly shaken – shaken by the reminder that the world was a complicated place with different points of view and approaches to life. I felt the awesome responsibility of what it meant to be a mother – a mother who influenced the worldview of my children. The challenge for me was to share my perspective with my children, while not being judgmental about how other people interacted with their world. Tara’s friend had a worldview shaped by her family and society, and at some level, I felt I had to respect that. At the same time, I had to show my children that I stood by my beliefs so that they too would be able to stand by their own ideals.  I hoped that by facing the world together and not being apprehensive about talking about the difficult questions, we would grow, evolve, and learn together.

Modern Mom readers can win a copy of 100 Questions from My Child, personally autographed by Mallika, by posting your favorite or most challenging question from your child in the comments section of this article. Not only will you receive the book, but Mallika will answer your question as well.

Mallika Chopra is a media entrepreneur and producer. She is the creative force and architect of www.intentblog.com, a popular website that features blogs by Mallika, her father Deepak Chopra, and many others. Her books, 100 Questions from My Child and 100 Promises to My Baby, are available at www.mallikachopra.com.

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