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GREAT EXPECTATIONS FOR ONLY CHILDREN: How Pressure to be Perfect Can Backfire

Families are getting smaller, and have been since the early 1960s, giving parents more time to devote to each child.  As a result, parents today all seem to be pushing for “star” progeny. Children would benefit if parents could temper their dreams. With parents of only children, the tendency to want their kids to excel can be so focused that it becomes counter-productive. Here are suggestions to benefit both parent and child alike.

Recognize Your Fantasies

Parents have fantasies about babies before they are born. While the fetus moves about in the womb, moms and dads make predictions: "This will be a very active baby; this one's going to be an athlete."  As years pass, the fantasies change form. With an only child there is almost always a level of expectation that is too high. No matter how much you restrain it, it's there. If you're honest with yourself you'll recognize it, as will your child at a very young age.

Chances are your Only will do well in one or more areas because of the special opportunities and attention singleness affords. Singletons show up more frequently among leaders; they are intellectually advantaged and socially well adjusted. There’s no need to turn child-rearing into a competition in which your child must be the best--best academically, best athletically, best dressed, best all-'round camper. You will gain endless rewards from your child in respect, love and consideration if you delight in her accomplishments and minimize her shortcomings as they surface.

Perfectionism Can Backfire

Everyone, including children, needs something to strive for. When goals are attained, self-esteem is enhanced. But, if expectations are too high, a child's self-confidence may be undermined when she cannot reach parental goals, and her desire to succeed may vanish. As I point out in Parenting An Only Child, only children expend great amounts of effort and energy to satisfy their parents. Onlies can be very hard on themselves and rarely need additional pressure from their parents. Singleton Andrea Balfour endured the pressure for years before she got out from under it. In grade school, she recalls, "Once I asked my father to listen to a poem that I had to memorize for a class. The first time I went to him, I really didn't know it and he told me not to come back until I had it perfect. Nothing except perfection was allowed. I performed perfectly until I left Tennessee to go to college. I almost flunked out after my first semester. Away from the constant observation of my parents, I felt free. I wanted to have fun and I did."

Doing one's best does not seem to be good enough for many parents of onlies. One Only recalls never living up to his parents’ ideal. "If I got a 98, he said, 'Why didn't you get a 100?' When the basketball team didn't win, my father said, 'Why didn't you get the extra point?' My parents demanded an improved performance for everything. I was not permitted any mistakes in any area." 

Warnings Signs: Pressure Too Much

Over-emphasis on excellence is relatively easy to spot in the school-age child. You can tell you are being too demanding when your child begins to turn to your spouse on a regular basis for entertainment, consolation or affection. A young child will walk away from the parent who insists that a dive be executed precisely or book read without errors. She will march to the parent who accepts her skills at her level.

A drop in the quality of schoolwork, extreme sensitivity to mild or constructive criticism and a lowering of his own standards are also indicative of an over-stressed child. If he feels--or says--he's lazy or dumb, if he appears to have stopped trying, you may be driving him too hard, expecting too much. 

If this happens, pull back. Join forces with your spouse or significant other to start fresh and ease up. Block time so that the three of you can be together doing something enjoyable or sharing a task (work in the garden, clean a closet, paint a room or piece of furniture) to remove the focus from whether or not your child is doing well. 

Look at Your Child Realistically

Make an honest evaluation of your child's talents and abilities. Then, offer opportunities to expand those strengths. If she's only a mediocre gymnast and she says she doesn't like it, let her stop training. Take your child's age and developmental level into account. Your five-year-old probably doesn't have the muscular development and coordination to swim a perfect crawl – so wait until she’s older before you critique her strokes. When you must address failures, do so in relationship to successes, emphasizing the latter.

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