Ask Jill & Jennifer - Modern Mom's Sleep Experts

My daughter is 10.5 months and has been co-sleeping with me for about 2 months. I try to put her in her crib but she screams and cries hysterically, she holds her breath, starts breathing heavily and sweats.

One time she cried for 45 minutes. I tried rubbing her back, telling her to go to sleep, etc. we play in her room when she is awake as I read that you suggest that.

I just don't know what to do. Also, my husband and I both work and don't get home until after 6:00 so she doesn't go to bed until around 9 or 10. She is still nursing too and sometimes I have to nurse her to get her to sleep.

I am afraid I have created a monster. We don't mind co-sleeping with our daughter but would like for her to sleep through the night in her crib.

Any advice? - Carrie

Hi Carrie,

My first question would be, Are you really sure you want to give up cosleeping? It sounds like you enjoy doing so - why did you decide to make the change? If you'd like to continue but you'd also like her to sleep through the night, you can do so - the methods for helping a baby learn how to sleep while cosleeping are outlined at length in our DVD and book, The Sleepeasy Solution.

On the other hand, if your family has decided for sure that you are ready to transition to having your baby sleep more independently, it's good to make changes gradually, so none of you gets too overwhelmed. In addition to playing in the room during the day, you can sleep with her in her room for a couple of nights (on an air mattress or futon, if you have one), continuing to attend to her as she wakes, doing whatever you need to do to help her back to sleep. Then spend another couple of nights putting her in the crib, but continuing to help her back to sleep in any way you can. That way, she'll have a chance to adjust to her room with your support before trying to sleep in there by herself.

If you feel she is still very anxious in the room, you can continue to sleep in there with her, doing your check-ins from the floor - but try not to hold her or rub her back, which unfortunately will only escalate the crying. If, on the other hand, you feel she's more comfortable in her room after you've slept with her for a few nights, you can try leaving the room for 5 minutes at a time, then 10 minutes, and then 15, going halfway between the doorway and the crib and offering your love and support with your voice. Be sure not to let her fall asleep while she's nursing at bedtime - keep her awake throughout the entire routine! If you are nursing at night, you'll want to wean those feeds gradually.

Some babies do experience more intense physiological changes as they cry, though these changes do not usually pose any real danger to her. Check with your pediatrician, if you'd like, for peace of mind.

Lastly, one of the reasons she may have a harder time settling is because of her very late bedtime. It's really challenging as a working parent to "fit it all in" at the end of the day - dinner, bedtime routine, etc. Try preparing all or some of your meals in advance - say, on a Sunday afternoon - or really give yourself a break during the week, using store-bought pasta and sauce, for example. You'll need to head right into dinner when you get home, but if you can finish by 7, then you can have some playtime (about 30 minutes) and then begin your wind-down routine (another 30 minutes). 8 pm is the very latest bedtime we would recommend at this age; once she gets overtired, she'll produce a stress hormone called cortisol, which will potentially 1) cause her to have more trouble settling, 2) cause her to wake more throughout the night, and 3) cause her to wake too early in the morning.

You've got lots of changes to make, so go slowly - and hang in there, she'll learn how to be a great sleeper if you stick with it!