Ask Melissa - Our Etiquette Savvy Mom

I have a good friend who has two children (ages 1 1/2 and 5 years old) and enjoy spending time together, however, she always brings her children out with us and they misbehave (screaming, hitting, tantrums, talking back, etc). When the children misbehave, my friend will either ignore the bad behavior (ex. ignore that her son is screaming at the top of his lungs while we are trying to enjoy lunch at a restaurant -- the whole restaurant seems to notice except her), indulge them so they will stop or utters empty threats (if you don't stop...) but will never discipline them and sometimes even rewards them (took them to the candy store and bought treats after both of them behaved badly at the restaurant). 

I have always felt like saying something but didn't wanted to ruin our friendship. Now, I have a 9 month old son and worry that he will begin copying their bad behavior. I have tried subtle hints but she doesn't seem to pick up on them and I feel the only way would be a direct approach but don't know how to approach the subject without offending or insulting her. Is there really anyway to do this? Please help! 

Out-of-Control

All parents have different parenting skills and unfortunately, our close friends may not feel inclined to stop and/or fix bad behavior even though it can be embarrassing to be in public with them.  Not to mention the fact that your own son is young and impressionable. 

From personal experience, I have found that it is sometimes not worth it to say something, as it causes hurt feelings--regardless of good intentions.  Some mothers may feel that someone is 'putting them down' or being 'holier-than-thou' if they even say the slightest comment about their children.  Most mothers believe their kids can do no wrong--they love them for who they are and although they may be out of control, they only see the good, sweet qualities.  On the other hand, I also believe that many of these mothers whose kids run wild are totally overwhelmed and have given up the hope of ever being in control of their children.  It's sad, but true!  Now what can you do:

I would suggest not saying anything at this time--it is going to cause more harm, than good.  If she approaches you on the subject, that is a different story.  You however have a wonderful opportunity to teach your son what NOT to do!  If your friend's child is grabbing and screaming and your son follows suit, simply take him aside and say, "No-No, we don't do that...no grabbing."  If you have to remove him from the situation completely, so be it.  You may find that your calm, yet direct parenting skills with your son begin to set an example for your friend.  There is no better way to teach than by example.  I would assume the 5 year old will be entering Kindergarten next September, so there will be one less bad example for your son once he is in school.  The 1 1/2 year old probably mimics the behavior of the older sibling and hopefully, once that child is in school, things will calm down a little when you are together.

Try this for a while...if you find that nothing has changed and your son is picking up the bad behavior, you may have to be more selective in the time you spend with them.  As a parent, you have to put your child first and this may mean busying yourself with other activities (so there is less time to see this friend and her naughty children).  Let me know how it works out!