Dear Melissa,

I have two children, a son, 11, and a daughter, 8. The problem I’m having is that my son has a terrible mouth and attitude and acts like he doesn’t have to listen to me and my husband. He smarts off if I yell at him. He gets mad and slams stuff around and whenever we go shopping. It’s like he is intentionally trying to embarrass us in the store by acting like as though he’s two. 

I’ve tried grounding him—I’ve taken away his TV, video games and handheld video games—and nothing seems to work. I give him tough love because he is so much worse then his sister. He calls me a hippo and tells me I’m fat and mean and I’m at the point where I just don’t want to deal with him. My husband works 16 hours a day, and I’m a stay-at-home mom. Every other Saturday I allow my children to eat in the living room and watch a movie. On holidays (Valentine’s Day & Halloween) I will let them have a little party and make cakes and cookies just for the two of them.

My son thinks we have to buy him everything he wants, and if we don’t, we are being mean. We just bought both of them each a Nintendo DS last weekend and now that they have them, they are back to acting terrible. We are not rich and whenever we tell them we can’t buy them something, the first thing out of their mouth is, “Well you had enough money to buy grocery’s so why can’t we buy video games instead.” My son is very disrespectful to adults, he refuses to ever say he is sorry. I don’t completely blame him. My son is 11, as I mentioned earlier, but he is only the size of a five-year old because he has a bone growth deficiency. My methods of getting him to stop misbehaving, being rude, disrespectful and foul mouthed just aren’t working. Any advice?

Thank you,

Cindy, Indiana

Don’t feel alone. There are millions of parents experiencing the same issues with their children, whether they are four or 18. We live in a time of ‘Do For Me’ and have raised such a generation. It is hard when children dominate and control our lives. We seem to feel trapped by the ‘bullying’ they exhibit and kowtow to them at every corner. Stop the cycle! This is why it is so important to set firm boundaries early on in life. Once your child hits a certain age, it can be very hard to start over and help him become the dream child you envision. As your son is also facing some physical challengers, you are probably feeling torn between giving him a dose of discipline and showing him nurturing love when he acts out. It is not too late!

Because your question involved some behavioral concerns, I contacted a colleague of mine, Joann McAdams, a Behavioral Therapist, M.S. Ed, specializing in children with multiple and developmental disabilities. Here is what she had to say:

“It seems like she needs to set some very firm boundaries. She needs to set them up on a behavior plan that is visual, and one where they could earn things and see themselves earning them, and not loosing them. Behavior therapy is all about preventing undesired behavior and the best way to do that is to earn things—not lose them. Once a child hears “no”, and they get something taken away, they have no desire or motivation to behave desirably.

However, when they see that they can earn things, their motivation generally increases. A parent should expect that at the start of any behavior plan, the undesired behaviors generally increase, and then will decrease once the child sees that the parent is being consistent. Once the parent has set some boundaries, and is 100% consistent, it is likely that the other behaviors will fall into place, i.e. name-calling and rudeness.  Again, the children need to earn things like eating in the living room and such privileges as DS and games. Being consistent is the key to any behavior plan.

In terms of teaching your son proper manners, which includes how to speak to both you and your husband in private and in public, you definitely need to lead by example. All parents need to be reminded of this practical aspect. How you speak to your husband when the children are around and how you respond to their ‘naughty’ behavior will make an impression on them.
Rather than yelling, threatening or using loud words, keep it calm, yet firm. When your children make an inappropriate comment, such as what your son says when you don’t buy him something so you are mean, let him know that he may not speak to adults in such a manner. This will hopefully set a good example for your daughter, who may pick up on the bad behavior that your son exhibits. Let him know that his behavior and words are unacceptable. By showing him that you will not tolerate such behavior and lack of respect, he will hopefully realize that nothing comes out of acting like a spoiled and demanding child. Again, as Joann McAdams stated, you may want to implement a reward chart for good manners. If he goes seven days without being disrespectful, you could reward him with extra DS time, or by reading him a book read. Whatever you choose, make it a treat, not an everyday occurrence.

Your son, like all children, will face many obstacles in his life. Even though he has a medical condition that poses some obstacles, you must help him realize that such a condition doesn’t allow him to treat adults with disrespect. He, like many other people, have a hurdle that sometimes makes things difficult, but it is something that should make him stronger in his character. This is such a valuable lesson that will help him thoughout his life. You are doing a disservice to him if you let him believe that his condition allows him to be negative, in his thoughts and actions.

Melissa Leonard has been wowing clients and readers over the past few years with her fun and dynamic approach to the so-called ‘stuffy’ world of etiquette. After having two children (well behaved, of course!), Melissa took her innovative style of teaching business etiquette and tailored programs for children, parents and yes, even yachting enthusiasts. Her distinctive style and sense of humor has helped make manners cool again. Learn more about Melissa at www.establishyourselfny.com

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