I think Melissa’s response here misses the SAHM’s point: that her husband is sending the message with his words and actions that he VALUES her contributions less than his own. I too have a husband who works hours like these and explains them away saying “it’s WORK”. As if the SAHM tasks are OPTIONAL. As if SAHMs relish setting aside all selfishly based opportunities while their spouses indulge in nothing but (as well as bringing home the almighty dollar). The fact that this SAHM agrees to wake up to see her husband off in the morning implicitly agrees with his assertion that her rest is less important than HIS workday schedule! I for one would like to know HOW to communicate effectively when this baseline assumption here seems to be that work trumps home.

While a reminder of the great fortune of being a SAHM is always a good thing, I was disappointed this response did not offer greater advice on how to remind FATHERS that their office-based self-importance is not all they crack it up to be.

Hi Brittany. It’s Melissa Leonard. Ok, I must admit, I was so fuming about SAHM’s not being put in the same category as those who work, that I inadvetantly left out some pertinent advice on how to remind the men of the importance of our jobs as SAHMs. Off I go....

Men are men, regardless of how much they act like they understand. Because SAHM’s don’t get a paycheck, it is often hard for husbands to see how work doesn’t trump home...both jobs should be treated with the same respect, as each has its ups and downs, challenges and perks. Sometimes the greatest reminder to stubborn men is by showing them. Reading off a list of chores you did tends to cause them to tune out. In addition, it often comes across as complaining...which although it isn’t, they often take it as such. Show them what you do, but leaving them things to do when you go to the gym, out for a walk, go out with friends, etc. Don’t DO everything before you leave. Let him give the bath, fold the laundry, unload the diswasher, feed the kids. In small doses, they may begin to understand how much you do. That is also why I suggested going away with girlfriends. Even two days of taking care of the kids will give him a new found respect for what you do and how truly challenging and hard being a SAHM is! If this fails, communicate. Find a time when he is not harried and exhausted and stressed out and talk with him. Finding the right time is key to this conversation being heard and understood. Maybe a dinner alone is the right time to discuss how demanding your job is. Perhaps it should be talked about over a walk at the beach. Find a time where you two can connect and start a dialogue. If all of these fail, don’t get frustrated and throw in the towel. Men are naturally stubborn (well, most anyway) and sometimes it takes a long time to get a point across. You may even need a third party involved...not that therapy is for everyone though. There are benefits to having a mediator and if all else fails, this might be the route for you.

As for seeing your husband off in the morning, I say ‘NO WAY!’. This is not Leave It To Beaver and getting up at the crack of dawn to see your husband out the door is not necessary and quite subserviant...you have a long enough day without having to get up an hour or so earlier. The more you kow-tow to your man, the more he may expect you to wait on him hand and foot....remember, you are NOT a doormat. Now I may get in trouble for saying that, but I don’t believe seeing your hubby off just for kicks and giggles is necessary. If he is going on a business trip for a week, perhaps. But, in this case, definitely not!

Oh, honey, I’m also a SAHM, and I was an attorney before staying home with my kids.  My husband’s a research scientist, so we have roughly equivalent earning potential.  I think these answers are too nice.  You tell him, “You think this job is so easy, then you do it.  One more crack about my ‘easy’ job, and I’m going back to work and you’re staying at home with the kids.  And, you’re going to make sure the house is at least as clean as I keep it, prepare the same number of home-cooked meals, handle all of the appointments and errands that I handle, take care of sick kids, school meetings, etc., and, if you’ve got a moment, you can eat all of the damn bon-bons you want- but I bet you won’t even find time to go to the bathroom, by yourself, because I sure don’t have that luxury.” Then, you tell him to finish up the housework for the evening, because you’re going to work on your resume and start sending out applications to get back in the work force, and that after you’re done, he can work on the letter for his two-week notice, so he can submit it when you get a job offer.  I’ll bet you he shuts up in a hurry. I know my husband cut out his comments when I told him I’d trade him in a heartbeat.

Barbara,
You are my new hero.  You should do stand up, it has always been funnier when it true!

Hi,

Great comment Barbara!
I am a 35yr old full time executive assistant & mother with 3 kids ages: 15yrs, 4yrs & 9 months old. I get to work from home to stay and care for my kids 1-2 times a week.
I truly appreciate what SAHMs do, because it is a tough job. My position may be a bit different but I thought I’d share since I used to get the same type of remarks from my husband on the level that he cannot help me take the kids to the doctors because his work will suffer. Yet he never thought to wonder and think what would happen to my work because I had to leave work often to tend to the kid appointments, emergencies or school meetings and list goes on…
It was hard to make him understand my situation of how stressed out I was because it did not end with the days work, I still had to come home to cook, clean, help with homework, get the kids ready for bed, fix their lunches/clothes for next day and give him some attention. I was burnt out!
I wanted him to appreciate me the same I appreciated him for working and occasionally helping me out with the kids.
I finally through the towel and made him recognize my hard work by leaving him home with the kids to tend on them on his own. I did not even leave instructions the first time. I just said, call me only if there was a hospital type emergency and since he is computer savvy he can go online to get how to be a mommy FAQs. I also put my foot down and gave him far enough warning to schedule some time for him to come with me to doctor appts, school meetings and errands.
Once in a while like every 3-4 months there will be a little jab but he now knows better and truly appreciates me doing what I do not just at work but at home. What’s even great is that he has found it great to spend more time with the kids and feels proud that he can do it all by himself without my help now. I don’t give up! Communication is key even if you have to be a bit forceful.

I heard a comedian one day that was talking about when his wife was pregnant and he came home and started giving her some grief about napping and resting while she was pregnant. He said his wife looked at him and said, I grew a lung today, what did you do. He said, how can he compete with a woman growing a baby. We laugh but maybe when your husband start giving you grief, you should look at him and say.. I taught him to share today, not shove and hurt people so he won’t grow up to be a physcopath, what did you do today.
There isn’t any way to compete with a SAHM when it comes to rising responsible adults who can care for themselves and provide for those who can’t.

Barbara has said it all! That’s exactly the “talk” I had with my husband when he began making snarky comments about what exactly I did with my day. And yes, he was silenced by my offer to trade places with him- when I explained what would entail HIS day as a SAHD.
I agree- communication is key, but make your position clear.
Good Luck!

Barbara,

Couldn’t have said it better. Do yourself a favor and take your liberties when you can. Stay in bed until 6:30am don’t get up til after he leaves. When he asks you what you are doing tell him, park, lunch, beach, pool whatever make it sound like it is lots of fun, he IS missing out. Rub it in on all the fun he is missing out on with his kids, see if he likes the joking. Tease him about boring meetings and his lack of a good tan from being inside all day. When he comes home go to the gym, or out with a girlfriend. Either he’ll get it or he won’t, either way you’ll start enjoying what you do more. I love waking up and knowing I don’t have to go to work, I get to spend time with my son. Ask your husband this “When you are on your death bed are you going to be proud of all those “important meetings, or work accomplishments”, or will he wished he spent more time with his kids or more time appreciating his wife? You have one life to live make it count.

Let me start off staying that being a SAHM, has been amazing. I love it ! And while I am very thankful for the opportunity to stay at home with my kids full time,...and can decribe this experience with many positive words,..using the word LUXURY would never be one of them.I get so sick of people saying that staying home is such a luxury....how is that so ? Because in my home, we budget and cut back on all of the little “luxuries” to even afford to do this ! My husband works 15-16 hr days,..I work anywhere from 15-18 hour days at home,...so I would not consider me having this luxurious situation versus him. I work just as hard , I just do not get raises or paychecks. But that does not mean that I have it easier than him.Look,me staying home was the right choice for us. We do not judge others for different choices,..because I believe that this is a personal decision and not one thing works for everyone. Whether a mom goes back to work after having kids because financially it makes sense, or she wants to go back just because she loves her job & it makes her happy, or maybe a mom simply wants to stay at home and experience this with her kids, and is willing to cut back on material things in order to accomplish this. All that matters is that the mom is happy ! I know for me, with four children,..it would not pay me to work. I would be making nothing after paying for their care..so does that mean that I am living the luxury ?..Not at all. Because I am on my own 90% of the time, the first thing that gets cut is me time. 7-8 months have passed many times before where I have not went anywhere alone and had at least one child with me. I do without A LOT & I buy everything that I possibly can while on sale or clearance. We drive cars that have already been paid off, and are like 12 years old. There are ways to make it work if you really want to stay home, but I am not saying it is easy or for everyone..So please but don’t always assume that it is luxurious ,which makes it sound EASY.Sometimes those little things that working moms get to do may seem like a luxury to a tired SAHM .For instance, I know that I do not get a lunch break and I do not get to sit and have conversations with adults without being interupted to wipe a nose or behind,& they definitely do have hard days at work, but they also leave their job and get to drive home quietly alone and recharge and see their kids. That does not happen for a SAHM..you are on 24/7, with time to recharge,because the job is never done. But that does not mean that I consider a working mom to be living a luxurious life compared to mine either. I know better than that and have done it myself.. So for someone to assume that about a mom that has to juggle a household alone & kids& chores & pay bills, do doctor, dentist & allergist appointments & get the kids to all their sports on time & to school on time, a piece of cake. Something as simple as a shower gets moved down the list of importance during the day & you can usually find me sitting in the tub well after midnight.I have been a stay at home mom many years now,but I have also worked at my home providing child care & doing crafts part time & full time. I have also worked outside of my home full time & part time, and so I have personal experience in all the areas of being a mom with a different title and I can say first hand that NONE of those are easy. They are all hard, but in different ways. Being a mom is the hardest job we will ever encounter and instead of judging someone or assuming that they have it so much easier than you, why not support every mom in whichever path she chooses to take ? We women do not give ourselves enough credit as is,..so we need to stop attacking ourselves & others over their decisions that may be a lot different than yours. I LOVE being a SAHM and have valued this special time with my kids, but one day in a few years,I will eventually return back to work.But not once will you ever hear me complain about staying home. I have been honored to . In truth, the hardest part of being a SAHM is the inequality that we face from other moms/parents that do not stay home. I mean, do SAHM’s have their own heading above as working moms do ?..We juggle just as much , with just as long hours(or more !),why do we not have a title at the top of the website to click on above also ? This is exactly why I have never commented here before..I can hardly ever find anything that pertains to my situation..All I can end with is treat all moms with respect and dignity and without judging them..NONE of us have it easy.

SAHM,

I don’t think anyone is saying it is easy, and we are all in this together, that is what this forum is about.  The “luxury” referred to, is (in my opinion) the privillege to watch your kids grow up, to not miss most of the milestones, etc.  If someone CHOSE to go back to work, that could be considered “luxurious” also, because they had the choice of doing so or not.  It would be a different situation if you needed to go back to work. 

Btw, I think if you see a void in the content of the board, others may feel the same way-you could be a pioneer and get something going!

Bottom line, it is NOT easy.  Anyone who thinks/says so has not done it-not the way most of us do-busting our butts to make it all happen and like you mentioned, cutting “me” time before anything else.  But, SAHM2008, you are not alone.

It would be interesting if the SAHM were to take a moment to write out what it takes to keep the family going.  She should list out the household chores, what time the kids go to school, when they need to be picked up, include extracurricular activites, etc.  Then, she should ask her husband if he would consider HIRING someone (or a few someones) to take on those tasks so she can go back to work.

I bet he’ll change his tune quick.