my husband and i were divorced due to his crack cocaine addiction after 18 years of marraige.  we had rental property and we lost 2 homes which i had to sell for $1.00 a piece to save my credit. we almost lost our primary home and i had to mortgage down to a house i could afford on my own.  there are many things we lost but we had 2 children who i’ve maintained custody of.  he moved to another state and was gone for 8 years during which time i never received child support.  also he left with someone who was close to our family but unknown to me was also addicted.  to make this long story short, he has left her and is now clean (no rehab involved which i think is crucial to overcoming this drug addiction) and wants to come “home”.  it hasn’t been more than 3 months since he quit.  i’m wondering if giving him 1 last chance would be a smart thing to do.  keep in mind i have always loved this man and wished him well and he was the most perfect husband in every way without this drug.

I’m 31 w/son 6 & daug. 2. Husband (now hub)of 7 years recently caught for drug addiction to Lortab Fentanyl & some cocaine. I saw small signs so I tracked finances, cell phone records & his whereabouts (we own our own business together!). 

1-1/2 mths ago my parents realized that meds were missing from their house, someone went through their closet,drawers,etc. Dad has med. issues & has these scripts. A few days later I found a wrapper from one of my fentanyl patches (morphine) in my car. These stay in a lock box in the house b/c of the kids, babysitters, etc. My hub confessed to that & the pills from my parents house. He admitted abusing for past two yrs. He would change my fentanyl patch & fake flushing it, cut it up & chew pcs until next changing. He admitted to stealing from me, my parents, our customers, buying from friends & buying cocaine some & using at home while we were having family time. I am NOT stupid or naive & did my share of partying in college but grew up.  We went to a counselor the next day, started NA, got a sponsor & I thought we were on the right track. 

A week later my “hub” was supposed to pick up our daughter from preschool as I was at “end of the year field day” w/son. About 30 minutes after pick-up time I called my hub cell mult. times w/no answer & called school to be told he had not shown up.  I rushed to get her & my father went down to my house to make sure that everything was okay.  My “hub” was asleep. I had dad tell him to pack & leave before I got home w/ the kids. I called him soon after, met & took him for drug test. Negative urine test and a hair test showing significant codine, lortab, morphine. He came home w/agreement to random hair tests. He cont. daily NA & once again I thought that we were on the right track. 

3 weeks later (last Mon.) I got a call from my mother - more lortab were missing.  I drove where my hub. was working and asked for pills.  He denied until I told him that they had it on video.  I called his NA sponsor & an addiction specialist to see the next day. Prior to the relapse my “crisis management plan” was unwavering. Consequence for relapse was leaving our family home. Now the time was there I didn’t want that to happen. My plan was sound but omitted emotion. I LOVE My husband, he is an amazing father & a caring man, But, I know I can’t allow this behavior in our home. We saw the addiction counselor & he said he would like to work with hub. to evaluate, build platform for sobriety & then would give me his input. FYI this man is a former felon for drug dist., a recovering addict, after prison went to school & is finishing his 2nd doctorate in this field. He can see through the “Bull S***”. 

Now I have my family (very close-in proximity & emotionally) & they don’t want to see or speak to my hub...understandably are very angry and hurt as they care a lot about him. This adds huge strain to me too. 

To summarize my duties: mother of 2; full-time business owner (office@home w/daily sitters);wife of addict w/severe ADD-can’t be treated w/medication b/c of addiction; daughter to VERY intense mother w/lots of anger & blame placed on any & all she can - esp. me if possible); daughter to father w/MAJOR med. probs and meds managed bipolar-still has ups and downs & calls me to talk,help,fix,etc; sister to 28yr brother w/no job or motivation but perfect in eyes of parents (when brother needs money he drives across state to work for me for little more than a paycheck); and last (wish I could say “but not least") I have severe fibromyalgia, chronic migraines, 2 bulging discs, anxiety, and depression. Added stress causees a daily pain level to go from a “3” to a “9”.

My currently amended “plan” is to give it until 8/1. My hub will have another hair test (levels must decrease), remain sober w/no relapses, attend daily NA, work steps w/sponsor & me to have positive meeting w/his addiction counselor. Then I have to make a decision about our marriage and family. My hope is that everything gets better but the relapse rate (esp. w/ ADD) is high. In the meantime I have to make my back-up plan incl. a full time job, childcare, a transition plan - the least painful for my children, living accommodations for hub so he’s still involved in kids lives, etc.  ONE of the hard parts is remaining positive during this time until 8/1 while preparing for the worst!! 

I have few people to talk to & would love to start a local (upstate SC) & online support group/discussion group/etc w/others in this situation. It helps to talk w/people that understand. Anyone interested can contact me upstatemommy@yahoo.com ~ Thanks for Listening!