Ask Jill & Jennifer - Modern Mom's Sleep Experts

I hope you can offer some advice on our little dilemma. My husband and I take turns putting our 2 1/2 year old daughter to bed in the evenings. We both follow the same routine at the same time each night (bath, pajamas, brush teeth, read stories, etc.). She asks us to sit in the chair in her room after we put her in the crib, which we do for about 2 minutes. When my husband gets up to leave, she says "goodnight" and rolls over. If I'm putting her to bed, when I get up to leave, she screams, cries, jumps up and down in her crib, and carries on for sometimes 20 minutes before she settles down to go to sleep. I don't give in and go back in, but she's been doing this for several months now and it's driving me CRAZY! She sleeps wonderfully throughout the night, but I almost dread putting her to bed now because of the drama!

Any suggestions???

Stacey, Virginia Beach, VA

Hi Stacey,

This is a very common scenario - a child has a much harder time going down for a nap or at bedtime when mommy is the one putting her down. This is actually a compliment! Though kids love both mom and dad (and grandma, and sometimes caregivers as well), they often have an very high emotional investment in you - and they don't want to lose a moment of time together.

Try giving her some "alone time" with you during the day, every day for about a week to 10 days. This isn't about quality time - you're probably already giving her plenty of that - it's about giving her a short amount of time, each day, when she has your absolutely full attention. You can set aside as little as 15 minutes, if you're already spending lots of time together - just be sure to announce each morning that you'll have "alone time" that day, and let her know when it will be. Then, for that 15 minutes (more if you'd like), give her your undivided attention. Don't answer the phone; don't read your mail; don't do anything other than focus on her. This will give her what she's really craving at night, in advance - and will make her less likely to cling at bedtime.

You'll also want to give her lots of choices throughout the bedtime routine - green PJs or pink ones? Two stories or three? Sit next to mom while you read stories, or on your lap? This way, when it's time for you to leave and she doesn't have a choice about that, she'll be less likely to protest.

Lastly, you can let her pick out a "mommy bear" at the store, which you can accessorize with something of yours (say, a scarf) so she reminds her you. For a couple of days, have mommy bear help make dinner, give the bath, read stories - so she really feels like an extension of you. Then, when you tuck her in, say, "Mommy's going to say good night, but I'm going to give Mommy Bear lots of hugs and kisses, so if you need a hug or a kiss from mommy while you're falling asleep, just hug your Mommy Bear."

With these supports in place, she should have an easier time separating at night. And just watch - in another year, it may be all about daddy at bedtime!